I don't want to go to Heaven!

The whole time I was growing up I lived with the constant doom hanging over my head. I was convinced I was not going to live long enough to do all the things I wanted so badly to do. Of course I have learned now that at 10 years old a child should not be worried about dying all the time. So what would cause a child to spend each and everyday worried they wouldn't live to see old age? I have been spending a lot of time traveling in my mind.....trying to talk to that little girl that still lives inside of me trying to find out why death is always on her mind. I grew up thinking everyone thought like this.....My parents where raising me in a Bible thumping hell and damnation church. Maybe hearing the world was coming to an end over and over had a lot to do with this? I can remember praying in this same church I wanted to go to Heaven but I wanted a chance to have a family of mine own first. I remember pleading with God to let me get old before he burnt the earth.....I spent a huge part of my childhood hating God because he was going to burn the earth and everyone who did wrong.....then add in the fact that I didn't wear pants like the other kids.....didn't get to celebrate holidays like the other kids.....Why was God so cruel....why did I have to suffer so much just to get a chance to go to this Heaven I didn't want to go to anyway. Kids don't want to do NOTHING to make themselves stand out.....they don't want to nothing that makes them different. Kids are cruel and I spent most of my growing up years being teased and made fun of......all for this God that I wasn't too happy with anyway! Then we didn't go to this church....now we can wear jeans......now we can do all the things that had beat into my brain would send me straight to hell......well just be glad that is over and hurry up and start fitting in!......then I have my own children.....then I start reading the Bible for myself. Then I grow up a little bit and realize that God isn't this terrible cruel person I grew up thinking he was. God is about love and forgiveness and God understands me and my weakness. Jesus died on the cross so I could go to Heaven. If you try to make it any harder than that you are making Christ dying on the Cross for nothing.
Today I am forgiving my parents for confusing me so much about religion... today I am forgiving myself for failing Christ so badly everyday of my life! Today I am proud of myself for taking my boys to church and teaching them to develop their own walk with God and to never accept what others say about God as the stone truth......but to read and pray and learn for themselves what it means to be a Christian. Today I understand I was suffering from OCD at a very YOUNG age.
Until next time.......Sherri

So we begin.......

I love to write. It has been a venting agent for me for as long as I can remember. I am not much into proper English and I am sure you will not have to look long to find a spelling mistake.

I was born in 1968 to parents too young to be parents. Had a less than ideal childhood. I married too young and had my first son before I was ready to be a mother. Divorced too young. Remarried to quick. Never finished my degree. Haven't accomplished anything I wanted to have accomplished at this stage in life.

I took the hard and difficult road in life. Anytime I was presented with an option I usually choose the wrong one. I guess at 40 it is normal to start looking back on your life and going wow....I coulda, shoulda, woulda....done that different. However, if I would have changed one thing about my childhood, teenage year or my early adulthood I would not be the person I am today. Today I am happy....today I am learning to forgive.....today I am proud of myself....it is the forgetting I am working now.....

I am doing this blog and sharing with my family for healing....for my peace of mind....for ME! If you stumble upon this and start reading then I hope my story might help you too.

I grew up wanting a Walton family. Family is and has always been a huge thing to me. The Walton's are a fictionally family on TV.....my family could be.....LOL......Let's just say we are the Walton's on Crack!

If you are reading this blog and are a member of my family or a friend that talks to me in person there is a rule.....I don't want to talk about any of this outside of this blog! If you have a comment or something to say then you say it here. I will NOT discuss the things wrote about here anywhere but here.....The things I am going to discuss here are things I am dealing with....but I refuse to let them in my normal life......

Till the next time......Sherri